1 An Aga – the cast-iron altar where even the urban come to worship by warming their bottoms against its burnished steel rail.

2 A scrubbed-pine-top kitchen table, frequently with incongruous legs, that is the all-purpose receptacle for morning-after elbows, plates of bacon and egg, coffee, keys and notes for the cleaner.


3 Boot room (however small), with extensive range of gumboots, old walking sticks and awful rain hats.

4 Barbour (old) – the wax jacket, and its quilted sister the Husky, that hangs in every boot room like a mouldy wraith from the last century.

5 Umbrella stand – frequently a capacious fake Chinese vase that is certain to house an old shooting stick, broken whip and redundant swagger stick, but rarely an umbrella.

6 Roberts digital radio – a retro model, tuned to BBC Radio 4 for listening to the weather at either 0757, 1257 or 1757, and for the Archers Omnibus on Sunday.

7 A hall clock that is inaccurate, ticks loudly and sometimes chimes.

8 Expensive wooden salad bowl – usually a wedding present – that is never washed.

9 Shoe cleaning kit, contained in a box with a muddle of brushes and at least one tin of hard-caked Kiwi black polish.

10 Leather-bound visitors' book with no entries after the first 18 months.

11 Drinks cabinet (or tray) containing a dusty bottle of Angostura bitters, a half-empty bottle of Pimm's, a silver-plated cocktail shaker and a full bottle of some disgusting liqueur brought back from a foreign holiday.

12 A Waitrose eco-friendly shopping bag

13 Pyrex dish – still the only correct receptacle for pies (shepherd's) and puddings (crumble).

14 Earl Grey tea and builder's tea plus instant coffee for the daily.

15 Leather desk blotter with triangular corners, on the desk in the study (but no ink).

16 Small embroidered cushion stitched with an unfunny epigram, regimental colours or similar heraldry of a school, university or clan.

17 Silver cigarette box inherited from coughing grandparents, now containing useless trinkets.

18 A school or university team photograph in the downstairs loo featuring the man of the house at his athletic pinnacle.

19 A book case containing Penguin books and pre-war hard-bound thrillers.

20 Kitchen island –an integral part of the obligatory farmhouse kitchen that also boasts granite worktops, American-style fridge/freezer and a Dualit toaster.

21 Aerial photograph of house in cheap frame, normally hung in the downstairs loo.

22 Ingredients for Bloody Mary, including Big Tom mixer, celery salt, Worcestershire sauce and Tabasco.

23 Embossed notecards with full name, title, address, telephone number and email address printed across the top, usually in dark blue.

24 Herb garden with an uncontrolled rosemary bush and an abundance of mint.

25 Pine bath essence – the green liquid that invigorates after a hard day outside, further improved by internal consumption by the bather of an amber liquid.

26 Open fire in sitting room with attendant log basket, fire basket, dogs, poker and rarely used toasting fork.

27Chunky marmalade and home-made jam, usually bought from the W I stall at the church fete or farmers' market.

28 Silver-framed photographs – one of owner's wedding, one of wife in prettier days, one of each child, several of dogs past and present and one featuring a horse. Also, black-and-white Fifties portrait photograph from the Lenare studio of grandmother looking like a debutante.

29 Portrait(s) of distant relation and at least one inherited oil painting of a sea or country scene that is, according to family folklore, very valuable.

30 A kitchen pin-board containing fliers (for professional cleaners, cinema and local takeaway), postcards from friends, money-saving coupons and at least one pony club/dog show rosette.

31 Bowl of potpourri without scent.

30 Out-of-date Ordnance Survey one-inch-to-a-mile maps, including one showing the area surrounding the house pinned up in downstairs loo or boot room.

33 An elderly chintz sofa with dog hairs.

34 A noisy, dated diesel estate car full of the detritus from dog and child, with a sticker on the back supporting hunting.

35 Unread parish magazine with advertisements for local yoga classes.

36 Small plastic bottles of Molton Brown shampoo and shower gel (stolen from the most recent visit to a London hotel) in the guest bathroom.

37 Upholstered club fender around fire.

38 Folded tartan picnic rug in the hall.

39 Hand-coloured 19th-century hunting prints in the back corridors and spare rooms (or possibly dull pre-war framed Chinese silk pictures).

40 Reading matter in downstairs loo including old copies of Country Life and Tatler, The Week, a Tottering-by-Gently volume and a copy of Schott's Original Miscellany.

41 An out-of-date London A-Z and up-to-date train timetables in the hall drawer that also contains a magnifying glass.

42 Good Oriental rug in sitting room, with Kilim rugs in spare rooms.

43 A soft-furnishing low oblong stool in the centre of the sitting room, covered in glossy magazines.

44 Current (and recently out-of-date) invitations – "stiffies" – on the mantelpiece.

45 Unused bread-maker, juicer and ice-cream maker in back kitchen cupboard.

46 Backgammon set that looks like a Gucci briefcase, plus a Monopoly set and Scrabble.

47 Boot jack outside the back door for pulling off muddy gumboots.

48 Large wooden trunks in the attic with the stencilled name or initials of forgotten relation.

49 At least one large coir door mat

50 Large stainless steel dog bowl by the Aga.


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